Well, this was the relationship that revealed to me that not only was I deserving and worthy of receiving love but I was also worthy and deserving of giving it too. When he died I internalized his death as confirmation that I was not worthy. God was punishing me for being bad.

Have you ever experienced something that you can’t quite put your finger on but you know feels off? I spent the better part of those years in that space. My shadow work has been diving into the deep end of shame lately. I’ve been looking at shame and guilt and how those two have been the stage and backdrop to my life for many years.

I’ve made a decision that in this next phase of my life I will not make any decisions without the guidance and reassurance from Spirit.

My trauma had become my identity so shedding that part of me to get at the truth of who I REALLY was/am felt like an actual death. I even remember saying to a former partner of mine “Who am I without my trauma?”

Getting to those core beliefs is rough. I’ve heard that the Drake Passage, which is a body of water between South America and Antartica, is rough seas to navigate. That voyage could be ten times less scary than the excavation of those beliefs.

I am whole and loved simply because I exist. The trauma is what happened to me but does not reflect the truth of who I am. I am whole. I am worthy.

Shadow work is entering that black abyss of Self, crossing the event horizon of what is known to completely let go and trust the process that we will be alive on the other side. Here’s the part we must recognize. We will remain alive because energy never dies, but we will not be the same person when we reach that singularity.

I’ve been carrying this weight of shame with me most of my life. I recently heard a quote from Brené Brown that said “shame focuses on self while guilt focuses on behavior.”