Further Down The Black Hole

I’m about to share with you some notes that I took a while back. I will warn you that these notes are in reference to child sexual abuse. I do not go into detail. I also am sharing some negative speech. Please read with care or skip this post all together.

In an earlier post I shared the fact that I am working through shame. This has not been an easy practice for me. My mom was the person who started talking to me about core beliefs and said that any time I have intense emotions, especially very negative ones, that there is a core belief that coincides with that narrative. If I can get to the core belief then I could really do the work of untangling myself from this web of hurt and harm.

If you are someone who is on this walk of healing and being radically honest with yourself then you will know that anytime you dig deep into the abyss of your life, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, around anything that have to do with your identity. Then you will most certainly get some push back. The part of you, the ego, that uses names and titles and labels to describe yourself is deeply connected to these narratives, yes even the negative ones. ESPECIALLY the negative ones.

Notes:

I believe I deserve abuse, mistreatment and neglect because I believe that my core self is bad.

Bad people do not deserve love, care, compassion or grace.

I over extend in giving people those things because I want them in return. But I give it in a sometimes fractured way because the essence isn’t pure. This only confirms my belief that my core self is bad.

There is a battle internally so the battle reveals itself externally.

Just because I experienced sexual abuse does not mean that I desire abuse.

It also does not mean that I am inherently bad, broken or evil.

So what IS true?

I am whole and loved simply because I exist. The trauma is what happened to me but does not reflect the truth of who I am. I am whole. I am worthy. I was unaware of how to handle the abuse and I did all that I could to move through it. I am strong with intelligent safety strategies.

I forgive myself for believing that I deserve abuse.

I did not deserve abuse then.

I do not deserve abuse now.

Can I just say that saying a statement like I forgive myself for believing that I deserve abuse doesn’t sit well on my tongue. Not because I don’t feel that I deserve forgiveness, I think I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can accept that. What I heave a hard time with is the wording. But I’m not sure what other words I can say.