When I look at it from the angle of spiritual alchemy and energy then this scripture would make even more sense. The moment I succumbed to the rage I was no longer living from a place of love and light. I do want to say that it was important for me to express that rage, if even for a moment. So often I was taught that anger, even rage, are emotions that have no place. It’s been within the past couple of years that I have allowed my anger and rage to have its moment in the sun. Before I thought that if I gave it enough space that it would burn the whole world down. But I just needed to release enough of the pressure so that I could let that light back in.

When I heard the words and felt them surface in my mind I scrunched up my face. Self-blame?! What the hell is that and where in the hell did it come from? I had been working on unworthiness all this time and acknowledged that narrative as a core belief that had been planted in my mind when I was a child. It took time to get to that belief and now here Spirit was telling me that there was another layer to this shit?! I threw my hands up (not technically cause I was driving).

Many people are so focused on manifesting and trying to bring things into their lives but they haven’t cleaned up all the cobwebs and dark energies that are hiding out in the corners of their internal selves. That’s like trying to buy all new stuff for your home while still having the old stuff that’s broken down and falling apart but acting like the old stuff isn’t there. Before you know it your home is cluttered with stuff and even though you got shiny new things your home looks like your hoarding rather than living.

I want to say miraculously we showed up for one another. That may sound dramatic but it did feel miraculous to us. You can never be sure when you are in an extremely vulnerable state if someone is going to be able to stand with you and not waiver or let you down. We each took huge emotional risks, and luckily for us they paid off. Our bond solidified instantly.

The hardest thing about opening myself up to love again is not allowing my mind to slip into those dark places. For a while I found myself scoping out as many red flags as I could find. Anything that he said or did that came remotely close to my ex was inspected with a fine tooth comb. I refused to get my heart broken again so I became a deep cover investigator.

The first time I learned the lesson of setting boundaries for my own personal health and wellbeing I was somewhere in my thirties. This was a doozy of a lesson because it was with a family member and an older family member at that. I’m black and if you’re black and was raised in a black household then you know the struggle of what I just stated.

The in-between is where I must slow down, as hard as that is. This slower pace has revealed something to me that I think is revolutionary. I must let go of the old to make space for the new. And the new is bigger and better than what I’m holding on to. I’ve learned that letting go cannot be forced, and believe me I tried to force it. Letting go is slow and deliberate. It’s intentional, it’s compassionate. Letting go is grieving.

There’s so much talk about breaking generational curses but we may not know or understand the curses to begin with.