My Giiiiirrrrlfriend

I wanna talk about female friendships. I’ve had female friends sprinkled throughout my life. Some came and went quickly, others lingered around for years with a steady ebb and flow of the tides. I would be lying if I were to say that I never watched those quirky, fun movies about adult women traveling together or having a good laugh and longed to have that experience for myself. I wanted a friend, many friends in fact. Someone once told me “you don’t want friends because you don’t want to do the work that it takes to have friends”. I found this statement to be extremely disrespectful. Because I have friends. In fact I have a best friend. Nick has been my best friend for thirty years! And not thirty years of on and off interaction without speaking for months or even years, NO! Thirty years of ups and downs, joy and pain. I was the first person that Nick came out to when we were in high school. He was right by my side when my oldest daughter was born and even cut the umbilical cord. Our bond is deep. I often thought that people were jealous of our relationship because we were (and still are) so close. And yet while my relationship with Nick is unmatched and will always be special to me, having a gay male best friend is nothing like having a sister friend. Other people may try to convince you otherwise but I’m here to tell you that one cannot replace the other. 

I had relegated myself to a life without a female bestie. And I was alright with that. One relationship that I have with a female friend which has lasted twenty years has always been fulfilling. Unfortunately we live thousands of miles away and only see each other every purple moon but when we do get together we always manage to pick up right where we left off. But I yearned for that one friend who I could call and she could call me and we talk for hours about all sorts of things, gossip a little, have our own distinct language and nicknames (cause you gotta talk about people without them knowing your talking about them). Then magically, through circumstances that I couldn’t have even imagined, a friend began to emerge. We met via Prince’s internet (I don’t claim Oprah or Beyoncé’s internet, it will always and forever be Prince for me). I was in my mid-thirties, a stay-at-home mom who poured myself into my creativity through a YouTube channel that my family had at the time. She found the channel and loved my content, commented on videos regularly and even liked the content that wasn’t the most popular. Even through the screen I could feel her genuine spirit. We’re both kinda old school in that meeting someone online (whether romantic or platonic) still feels tenuous. You’re never sure if you’re meeting an authentic person.

We have some crucial intersection points in common. We’re both queer, black women with a passion for spirituality and social justice. We both LOVE Prince (hence my previous statement). Interestingly we both have trust issues so although we sensed a connection, it took years before either one of us felt comfortable enough to show a sliver of vulnerability. We both had experienced friendships that cut us to the core and were hesitant to go down that road again, especially with the likelihood that heartbreak could always be lurking around the corner. And I don’t know about y’all but sometimes friendship breakups can be more painful and harder to grieve than romantic ones. So we treaded lightly. Over time we began to see that we were a safe space for each other. Astrologically we’re a perfect fit. I’m a Virgo and she’s a Taurus and those two signs are extremely compatible as friends. We could have continued to have a friendship that was surface but life was beginning to press upon us individually. Moments would emerge when we would have to openly communicate to the other person what we were going through that went much deeper than the typical, “Hey girl, what you got going on? Nothing much“ chatter. 

Soon we had collected enough emotional density that neither one of us could carry the weight by ourselves. We needed help. We needed each other. I want to say miraculously we showed up for one another. That may sound dramatic but it did feel miraculous to us. You can never be sure when you are in an extremely vulnerable state if someone is going to be able to stand with you and not waiver or let you down. We each took huge emotional risks, and luckily for us they paid off. Our bond solidified instantly. We began talking on a more frequent basis, we would visit each other and just hang out and talk for hours. Last year we passed the ultimate test. We traveled together. And I’m not talking about any kind of travel. We went out of the country!!! And as it turns our we’re even great travel friends! Talk about blessings. For all my traveling friends out there you know the struggle is real.

At the time of me writing this we’ve been friends for about ten years now, maybe a little less but who’s counting? I could have never imagined that Spirit would grant me the most beautiful blessing of not only a friend but a sister friend who understands me without me having to explain myself. And vice versa. She loves my daughters DOWN! I mean her Auntie love is unmatched. AND I love her wife who is not only an amazing cook but has many of the same hobbies as I do. So when all three of us hang out there’s never any weird vibes or side eye energy. We’re all three grown women who enjoy each other’s company. But my bestie and I are it. As time continues to move us along we’ve been talking about how we can incorporate each other into our lives as we age. Community is essential to us and we have not only talked about, but are actively making plans for us to buy some land and have homes on the property so that our families can be close to one another and support each other in times of need. Yeah we’re not just talking the talk, we’re walking in intentionality, purpose and love.

A blog post could not fully express how much my friend has meant to me over the years. What I can say is that time has been good to us. And the more time we have together the stronger our bond gets.