Got To Give It Up

The other day I did a cord cutting ritual to cut myself off from unworthiness. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before? I mean, all this time I knew that unworthiness was my achilles heel and yet it never occurred to me to use the authority and power of my voice to get that narrative out of my body, mind and spirit. I did the ritual after a particularly trying exchange with someone. Trying as in I was trying to not respond in my usual way. As the moment was happening it was like I was having an out of body experience and I said to myself this is a test. I’m not a fan of the universe testing me. I’m sure many aren’t. I used to reject that notion all together but I now recognize that the tests show up right after I have made a change in my thinking and it’s an opportunity for the universe (for me) to see if I can do something different than my usual patterned behavior. I felt like a superhero who had unlocked a new skill and was learning it on the fly. My body was following it’s typical process but my mind was bringing me back to the present, back to alignment.

After I left I took some deep breaths, went to my favorite spot by a river with beautiful trees on the bank and asked out loud what is this moment teaching me? I can honestly say I’ve never asked myself that question in the midst of a super charged, anxious moment. I did the ritual as was instructed by Spirit and then I meditated and went to bed. I could sense that although the energy of unworthiness was working itself out of my body, there was still some lingering energy work that needed to be done. There are two women on YouTube whose tarot readings have been spot on with my life for the past two years. Initially I dismissed the freakishly accurate readings, telling my self that my mind and spirit were only reverberating back to me what I was thinking and feeling. But of course, that IS how the universe works. Then each women had done a reading some time last year that made me sit up and say maybe this really is Spirit communicating to me through them. And ever since then their messages have felt like a violation of my privacy as if they were reading my personal journal entires and regurgitating them back to me. So after the unworthiness cord cutting ritual their videos popped up the very next day. I mean, the algorithm yes but also…divine messaging.

The message that came through was that there was something that I needed to let go of and that I ultimately knew what this was. Then once I was able to let it go the roads would be open and all that I have been working towards would begin to flow like the rivers of living water. I was pissed to hear this message. I had been letting things go of shit left and right, cutting cords from shame, guilt, anger, confusion, doubt, fear. I had forgiven myself and forgiven others. I was thinking and feeling differently. Stuff was beginning to move and I could see it. So what else could there possibly be to let go of?! As usual Spirit gave me my answer within minutes.

Self-blame

When I heard the words and felt them surface in my mind I scrunched up my face. Self-blame?! What the hell is that and where in the hell did it come from? I had been working on unworthiness all this time and acknowledged that narrative as a core belief that had been planted in my mind when I was a child. It took time to get to that belief and now here Spirit was telling me that there was another layer to this shit?! I threw my hands up (not technically cause I was driving). But as I relaxed and took a moment to breathe and reflect I knew Spirit was right. Of course, because Spirit is always right. This self-blame has been with me since my toddler years. Sexual abuse and the death of my mother were the two impactful situations that birthed this belief. But I hadn’t been aware of it for over forty years. Then I zoomed out. I looked at all of my relationships and recognized a pattern. Whether family, friendships or romantic relationships I had been connected to people who cut me with a million paper cuts through their words that affirmed my belief that I was to blame for everything in my life. After that tenuous exchange I had with someone when I did the unworthiness cord cutting ritual I had another moment that showed me how much I have been allowing people to tell me that I am the cause of all the bad stuff that had happened between us. If not those words then it would be some snarky comment about me not showing up for them or loving them in the ways that they needed me to.

My self-blame would flare up and I would spiral into a million pieces doing everything I could to correct those relationships. Suddenly I could see all the moments that added up to years of my life when I would mentally work out various scenarios to see how the situations could be different and more appealing to whoever I was trying to please. Like solving a Rubix cube I would tumble the energy through not only my mind but my body. Now I understood why I was always tired. The mental and spiritual exhaustion that I was putting myself through was way too much. Driving my car, I said out loud that I was ending the self-blame pattern immediately. No ritual, no formal or informal practice, no meditation. Just the power and authority of my words and the fervent energy to back those words up. I told myself that any relationships that had the hint of self-blame would either have to be changed or completely removed from my life all together. And this was pivotal because many of those relationships have been foundational to me. How can I grow and be the full version of myself if I am constantly supporting a narrative that suppresses me? AND there are people in my life who support that suppression through their actions. I can’t do it anymore. I decided that I quit.

I’m not going to sit down and have some long drawn out conversation with folks about this new way of being. In fact I’ve done something similar to that in that past only to have the people not give me clear and direct information as to how I could make healthy changes in our relationship. So I would keep shucking and jiving to try and make other people see that I’m good, I’m worthy and if you are mad at me or feel that I am the reason for all of the downfalls in our relationship then I’ll show you that I can work on it and we will be better than ever. But this emotional labor was not recognized and no amount of apologies or changed behavior on my part made any sliver of a difference. Plus it was only me who was putting in the wok, making suggestions and coming up with ideas and plans that I would present to folks as if I was giving them a slide deck of “Ways I can make our relationship better”. If the other person sees that I’m doing all the work then it shows them that they can go on and continue to sit back with feet up and let me run around in circles till I’m too exhausted to function. Two out of the three relationships that I immediately knew would be affected by this change gave me pause. Only one out of the three made me reconsider my efforts and I told myself that I could keep my old pattern with them but would change in these other areas. But the transformation had to happen across the board.

I cried after this revelation. Not because of the fear of what this would mean for my interaction with these people going forward, but because I felt the self-betrayal rise to the surface. I had hurt myself time and again trying to show folks that I am worthy, that I want to be seen and loved. Yet what I was getting in return was not enough. All the while I was taking energy out of my resource bank and giving it up till the bank was empty. And whenever I would deposit even a little bit back into that bank, I gave that little bit to someone else. And they didn’t know that I was giving my last, running on an empty bank of love and worthiness for myself. This isn’t a punishment of even a judgement about other people and they didn’t show up for me when I needed them to. I was the one who did all of this and allowed it to go on for as long as I did. I love each and every person that taught me this lesson. They have no idea the gift that they have given me, given us.