This Little Light Of Mine
If you’ve been following along with this blog then you will know that I connected with my third time great grandmother years ago and did a ritual to break binds that had been placed on her. I didn’t know who placed those binds but it had something to do with restricting communication. Before I had done the ritual I did my homework. I did as much research as I could about my g/g/great grandmother and had many conversations with Spirit about what to do and how I could best help her. I didn’t look up a ritual on Google or read some conjure book. I consulted with Spirit and my ancestros as to what I needed to do and the items that I would need for the ritual. When I did it I immediately felt a shift in the energy. I couldn’t pinpoint what was happening but I could feel a change within me. Little did I know that this bind (or curse) that had been placed on my g/g/great grandmother had made its way down the bloodline and showed up in my life in a myriad of ways. If you haven’t read the blog (Generational Mending) I would suggest that you do just so you can know the starting point of this story. Before I had done the ritual I was plagued with many disturbing dreams that were haunting me for some nights. I had reached out to my fiancee’s pastor and my cousin, who is a former minster, to get there opinion and give me suggestions as to what to do. Both of them said that I needed to simply not allow the enemy to enter into my mind or any physical space that I inhabit and that I needed to speak with authority to get rid of the negative spirits.
Sounds easy enough but I felt that inept in my ability to speak with power and authority, especially to remove something that I believed had more power than me. I struggled with praying but my meditation practice was still powerful. I leaned on the meditations. I pulled out some scriptures and sat in my closet in silence as I felt Spirit wrap itself all around me. When I had another disturbing dream I woke up and began to pray but in a way that was meek and quiet. I had no intensity in my voice, no power to let whatever was haunting me know that I didn’t come to play and that one way or another I was gonna get rid of it. How could anything take me seriously if I’m asking it to leave rather than demanding and commanding? Maybe I needed to flex my prayer muscle since my meditation muscle is pretty strong. It took time but I soon began to get more and more confident in my speech, not just in my prayer closet but in my life. I began to see that whatever had been bound to my ancestral line was certainly tied to me. Ok so why am I repeating the words of a post that I had already done?
I said that I was gonng come back to this cause I knew that while I had done the ritual and the energy was working that I would have to report to you again as things would develop even more. And they have. More so in the understanding of what I have been up against. In my last post (Got To Give It Up) I talked about self-blame and how the scars of my early childhood trauma planted a seed of unworthiness and self-blame that had been playing as the major soundtrack in my life. Of course I had no idea it was, I was simply living life and wondering why all this bad stuff was happening to me or why I felt that I wasn’t being treated with tenderness. All throughout my life I had many instances when I would let my light shine and then felt some attack as a result of that radiance. It wasn’t just a bind on speaking that had been passed down, it was a bind of our ancestral light. If someone was able to curse my g/g/great grandmother and stop her as well as her children and her children’s children then no one would be able to speak up and command that those shackles be removed and to let that light radiate as far as it could. We dim our lights to let others shine or for safety. I read, or should I say listened to a really good book called, Heal The Witch Wound by Celeste Larson. I have my reservations about the title simply because I do not refer to myself as a witch, but Spirit guided me to read the book and I found it to be extremely eye opening.
In the book the author talks about how there are many women experiencing a witch wound because somewhere in our bloodline an ancestor was persecuted for being who they were in their full light. Whether that was someone who was a conjurer, a kitchen witch, garden witch or many others that I don’t have enough time to name. I’ll be honest. When it comes to talking about the history of women and spiritual work I wince when I discover that the author is a white woman. My track record with white women has not been good, especially in the spiritual and wellness space as I have experienced so many paper cuts of micro-aggressions that I am still bleeding from. But the words hit home and I felt something open up within me to let me know that there was something here that I needed to look deeper into for myself. I think that spirituality as a whole gives people the heebee geebees. When there are things that you cannot explain and are out of the realm of this human, physical experience it can make you seem crazy. Hence we have a long history of women being not only persecuted for their spiritual work, but killed for it as well.
Like I said earlier, I don’t know what my g/g/great grandmother was up to but it had to be something powerful enough for someone to say that she could no longer speak in the astral realm. And for that power to pass along the bloodline let me know that she must have been a force to be reckoned with. I’ve been told by people that I know and by strangers that my energy is intense. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes that’s a bad thing. In either case it has meant that I am felt before I am seen and that can make people feel some type of way. My fiancee told me a quote that I wrote down and read often he said
“You’re angels can upset other people’s demons.”
Now admittedly I did (and still do not) believe in demons. I guess that may not make sense since I believe in angels. But I know that just as there are beings of light, there are also beings of darkness. I have done my best to live my life as fully as I can but I have found myself stopping short of how far I know I can go because I fear what could happen if I let my light fully shine. I know, haters are gonna hate no matter what you do but somewhere along my bloodline, maybe going back to my g/g/great grandmother, or maybe even further, there was strategy that had been put in place that locked up the spiritual gifts of the women that followed for generations to come. Dim, hide, survive. But hiding never kept me safe. And I never could fully hide anyway. There would always be moments when I would let my light shine enough for me to feel the warmth of its glow and just as I would do that here would come some negativity to manipulate, control or siphon off the oil that kept my light lit. It wasn’t enough that I had a generational pattern of this. Because I was constantly emitting the signal of unworthiness and self-blame, the dark forces would swarm as soon as they got a whiff of that light. By the time I reached adulthood I had trained myself enough times to keep my light at a bare flicker. And if I came across anyone who looked like they would attempt to snuff it out, I either did it for them or I gave them the last remnants of my light and the oil that let it burn all together. Better to be preemptive than be caught off guard.
This was another sliver of self that I had accepted as being this way for the rest of my life. Besides, my life was alright. I mean I wasn’t happy all around but who is?! In my earlier years I had made attempts to leave the planet. I hadn’t gotten to that point during these times in my late thirties, early forties but my identity was completely gone and I had no concept that life could be any different. One of the scriptures that I have on my bathroom mirror and I read every morning when I brush my teeth is “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” - Matthew 5:16 KJV These words were spoken by Jesus who is giving his first sermon. The sermon on the mount. Right before this particular scripture he says that we are a light that should be set on a hill and not hidden. I think this scripture often gets overlooked. Many religious and spiritual texts talk about being light and letting your light shine. The sun has always been revered as an important celestial body to emulate. I rested on this scripture for some time because it was a reminder that even Jesus knew that you need to keep your light on no matter what. We dismiss these words as just allegory or a parable, but you and I and everyone on this planet is truly light. We are light beings. When we turn off or dim our light we are saying to the universe that we do not matter and that we don’t believe ourselves to be worthy of the light that we carry within us. But that light is not just some cute imagination. Our light is the driving force, the energy that enables us to execute our mission on this earth. We’ve all been given specific assignments to complete, karmic patterns we need to break, ancestral and past life wounds we need to heal. In order to do that we need an energy source.
And our light doesn’t just give us the energy to live out our purpose, it is our connection to the divine. When our light is strong, our connection to Spirit and our higher self is strong. Yes we can become a target for those dark, lower vibrational energies that want to drain us but our light can also be our power and protection. Just like the sun our light can obliterate anything that gets too close and cannot handle it’s intensity. We attract others not just through our magnetism but also through our light. When we shine we allow ourselves to be seen in the most beautiful and authentic ways. It can be scary to combat negativity but we have all that we need to eviscerate anything that is not for our highest and greatest good. So yes! Go ahead and let your light shine. Don’t turn it off or turn it down because someone else can’t handle it’s intensity. If anything that is a clear sign to you that you need to leave them where you met them and burn bright somewhere else.