You Shall Not Pass

The first time I learned the lesson of setting boundaries for my own personal health and wellbeing I was somewhere in my thirties. This was a doozy of a lesson because it was with a family member and an older family member at that. I’m black and if you’re black and was raised in a black household then you know the struggle of what I just stated. To enact a boundary and stick to it even in the midst of being painted as disrespectful and even spoiled by this family member felt extremely challenging. I could feel myself wanting to cave. My people pleasing was still in full affect at the time so it would have been very easy for me to slip into old habits. Especially when I was still seen as a “child” though at that point I was grown, married and with two kids.

I remember making the decision to no longer engage with this family member and telling my mom about it. It was like this huge epiphany that had blossomed from my body. Sort of like when you see those light bulbs going off on top of people’s heads in cartoons. The realization that family are just people who have blood ties was a window that let me know I can create safety for myself and I don’t have to compromise just because someone is “family”. Fortunately my mother understood when I told her that I needed space from this person.

But that moment sticks out in my head a lot these days. Before I had made the decision to cut ties I pulled out all the stops. I wanted to make sure that I had made the effort of trying to work on the relationship before letting it go. Keep in mind that I had no intention of cutting ties. I had no intention of working on the relationship either until it was brought to my attention that this person was saying that they had no relationship with me because of my lack of effort. I grumbled, said some choice words to myself and was about to put a kibosh on the relationship as a whole when I felt a tug from Spirit. Make an effort. Just try. So I did.

I initiated conversations, called them rather than waiting for them to call me. I did visitations, sat with them and did my best to create banter or at the very least small talk. But each attempt was met with a stone wall. It was worse than pulling teeth, or trying to draw blood from a stone. I have nothing to compare the level of difficulty but let’s just say that it was hard. One day, after a very lack luster phone call, I hung up and sat for a moment and said to myself why am I still doing this? When I knew the answer was because they’re family I decided to reasses.

I’m someone who has learned how to take accountability and make amends when I can. Sometimes my efforts are not received and sometimes I have wanted to be accountable and make amends only to find that Spirit has blocked me for good reason. I have no problem saying that I made a mistake, or apologizing for a wrong that I have caused. I have no problem doing the hard work that is required when it comes to cultivating healthy relationships. But this was the first time that I said to myself why am I doing the heavy lifting while they simply get to receive without any give? It was a difficult decision to make but after a short period of deliberation with Spirit I made the call that in order to keep my emotional health and wellbeing in tact, I needed to remove myself. There was no love lost. In fact I still love this family member. I simply decided that unless I was going to see them meet me halfway, I was no longer going to be the one to do all the work.

It’s been years since that revelation and I haven’t spoken with that family member since. Initially I felt awkward. Thank goodness they do not attend family functions, though they did come to a couple of gatherings for my mom and I was loving, open and receptive as they stood there like a stone pillar unsure of what to do and how to respond. That pivotal decision opened me up to the fact that if I can create boundaries for this family member then I can do it with anyone. Being the person who does all the emotional labor is not easy and I can guarantee that for those people who do end up handling most of the labor, there is usually someone on the other end who thinks that THEY are doing all the labor.

I’ve learned that it is not my job to manage other people’s responses to my own boundaries. In fact if they start to have a problem with me creating them then I know that they benefited from me not having any to begin with. One of the most loving things that I have done for myself is to create a sphere of protection. To know where my edges lay and keep myself safe within those borders. My boundaries are not rigid, they can be porous when I so choose. The important thing is that I get to determine who can be within my sphere and who cannot. As challenging as this practice has been (especially when it comes to family) I have felt the benefits. I’ve begun to feel more love and spacious for myself. I am better in tune with my body and know when it’s communicating safety and overexertion.

It is a continued practice that I will be doing for the rest of my life. Sometimes its easier and sometimes its hard. Ultimately it’s the best gift I continually give myself.