Is "The Work" Working?

I am 44 years old and I will say that for 40 years I have been actively avoiding any healing. Now you may read that and say to yourself wait but I thought that healing is your thing? And why would you need to start healing at three? To answer the second question, I knew when I came into this world that I was gonna have. to break some patterns. Better get a jump on it early. To answer the first question, yes healing is my thing but healing is also hard. Like many folks I was spiritually bypassing for years. I knew the bones of a spiritual practice but never allowed myself to reach the depths. I knew (or thought I knew) what was down there and I didn’t wanna go.

So I kept stuffing things under the rug but then the stuff got too big for the rug so I had to stuff things under the bed. You get where I’m going with this. I kept stuffing, pushing, ignoring and locking away any inkling of self reflection. I knew that once I opened up that door and stepped into that dark abyss that I would never come back… at least I could never come back the way I was before. My trauma had become my identity so shedding that part of me to get at the truth of who I REALLY was/am felt like an actual death.

I even remember saying to a former partner of mine “Who am I without my trauma?” To even ask that question felt blasphemous to my ego. But I kept coming back to that question over and over again. I did want to know who I was underneath all the rumble and ash of the war I had been raging with myself for decades. I was tired, no I was exhausted. Years under the weight of depression made me weary. Yet within me was the tiniest light. Too tiny to notice but I could feel its presence. That light let me know that there was something more, something greater than what I had been subjecting myself too. I wanted THAT!

And here’s what I have come to see through a new lens. All of those years that I was suffering with depression and seeing the glass as half empty, Spirit was upholding me at every turn. It’s like when someone is at the beach and they’re in the water splashing around and saying that they’re drowning and the lifeguard says “stand up!” Come to find out that you were in knee high water and you weren’t drowning at all.

Doing the work is not easy, but skimming the surface with a meditation here and a yoga class there is not going to get you the liberation, power and joy-filled life that you desire. It will require you to roll up your sleeves and sit with yourself. And know that just because you do the work that doesn’t mean that life no longer presents you with challenges and difficulty. Oh NO! In fact things may feel even more intense because now you understand the deeper meaning behind what’s going on, and you have to simply allow yourself to ride the wave and let the chaotic energy pass.

But do not let any of that discourage you. The moment that you begin to excavate the roots and cultivate your inner garden, Spirit, your ancestors, your spirit guides, angels, higher self and even your future self will all meet you and guide you along your path. Be open to the magic and wonder that life offers, it truly is all around us. We just have to be willing to take the time to be still, and listen.