Musings

Pain and adversity are my greatest teachers.

With the ending of my marriage I noticed that I can feel pain and liberation at the same time.

With my father dying I noticed that I can feel pain and peace at the same time.

It’s odd to say that pain feels like a surface emotion but in those instances I mentioned, pain seems to be the least expressive of the two.

What does that tell me?

Is pain a choice? Could I simply choose something else to express?

Maybe pain isn’t a choice but I can determine how long I will focus on the pain. And I can be honest that other feelings and emotions can join pain.

Like some years ago I noticed that I felt pain and relief. And when I noticed it, particularly given the circumstance, I was shocked that both could feel so right in the same moment.

It was like I couldn’t extrapolate the two, they were linked and to acknowledge only one felt like a disservice to myself.

Right now I feel pain and an excited hopefulness. I’m ready and I am in the playing field. I’m at the starting block but I’ve also already run the race.

I’m allowing myself to dream. I miss dreaming big and not making excuses for it. Did I even dream big? I don’t think I really let my imagination go wild in a positive way.

I’ve held my joy back.