“Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” - James Baldwin The love that I am building for myself is a love that I never thought I would have in this life.
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While I could conceptually understand why people responded to me as a girl/young woman, I couldn’t understand why that meant that people had to treat me a certain way or expected me to be, think, do or say certain things.
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I wanted to be away from everything that I knew and “start over” and this seemed like a good way to do just that.
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Opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with other people is no small feat. And this is what the work entails. It thrives in community.
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If there is anything that I have learned in all my years it’s that grief needs air. Just like anything alive that gets mold and withers when it’s suffocated and not given light, grief needs space and air to be and breathe.
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Here I was in my own spiritual twelve step program but instead of recovery it felt more like a reawakening. I started to look at all the people in my life and became radically honest with myself about my relationship with each one. When I could see the barriers that I had built more clearly, I was able to be radically honest with myself and say that I had caused harm, unintentionally yes but the impact was still harm.
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I had never considered alchemy as a part of my spirituality let alone my meditative practices and yet in the pages of a tiny pamphlet with no author, I was learning how to transform my mind.
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Once I learned about the woman that my grandmother was and the difficult life she had it was no wonder to me that the illness that would eventually kill her affected the areas responsible for love and power; because she felt that she had neither of those.
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