Getting Out Of My Own Way

I can feel myself wanting to rush out of this phase of my life. I’ve even noticed how my posture is tipped slightly forward as if I’m always ready to run at a moments notice. There’s a heightened anxiety around achieving, or at the very least, reaching my goals. But here’s the kicker. I don’t have any concrete goals right now. For the past couple of years I have a bounced around with so many different ideas, paths, creative projects that I want to do and never settled on one. Every time I get an idea I get excited and do maybe one thing to move me in the direction of that idea. Then I loose steam and completely stop. Some ideas have had clear road blocks where it was obvious that Spirit didn’t want me going any further. But then there were some ideas that I had had where nothing was in my way, no distractions, no excuses and yet I found ways to stop.

I recently had another creative idea that would allow me to pull together everything that I have been on working on for the past three to five years or so and while there was excitement I noticed fear. I asked myself why this fear was present. When I followed the line of imagination of where this idea would end up I saw a huge vision. A dream grander than I could have ever imagined. I realized in that moment that I was scared of my dreams. I felt such fear around actually doing and being the person that I know God has created me to be. Why am I playing it small?

I know all of this comes back to worthiness. Am I worthy of this goal, this dream that God is showing me? I must be in order for it to even enter into my mind. The interesting thing is that I’m great at uplifting people in their visions and telling them that they have gifts and talents that the world needs to see. Yet I don’t follow my own advice. The path is laid out before me and I am timid to take the first step. And what do I think could possibly happen? What could be so bad that it would allow me to risk not even trying all because I feel fear around being seen.

I have always wanted to be a spiritual teacher and leader. Ever since I was a child I wanted to help other people heal and learn about spirituality. I’m not talking about being a minister or pastor. I did think about that path for a moment simply because I come from a lineage of preachers and teachers but the traditional role of a minister is too small and limited for what I have to offer. God did not have me go through all that I went through and learn all that I have learned from some amazing spiritual heavyweights to stand in the pulpit and preach scriptures. My life has been a winding road of life lessons that has gained me wisdom and insight that I know I’m meant to share with the world.

So what does that mean for me right now? What am I to do? How do I take the first step?

Well, God showed me all the journals, devotionals, and random musings that I’ve been writing over the past five years and said that I need to take them out and give them to the world. I can do that. Up until this point all of my content has been about sharing what I have learned but I’ve done in a way that hasn’t shown the vulnerability of me. I removed myself from the lessons and I think that is a crucial element. What makes people so magnetic is that they are able to show themselves to the world and for the folks that resonate they see it and are drawn to it.

So here I go taking the first step.

I’m going to start being more open and sharing my life in a way that removes the veil.

Let’s go on this journey together.