And Now, Introducing…
Ok I’m in an interesting spot right now. I feel as though I’m being pressed like oranges in a juicer or like grapes in a wine press. Additionally I feel old energy coming up to the surface which feels a lot like anxiety in my body. And in the midst of all of that I’m doing my best to continue to write and create. I’ve recently had a journal published which is the fist of many books that I am publishing. This guided journal helps the reader in their spiritual work, whether they are new or have been at this thing for some time, the journal prompts and affirmations are all designed to bring awareness to areas of your life that you may have overlooked. All of the prompts and affirmations have come from my own personal collection. Questions that I have asked myself as well as words of encouragement that I’ve needed along this journey are all poured into this piece of work that I love with all of my heart. The publishing part has been a bit sticky but I continue to move forward. This is the moment. This is the threshold that I have felt myself approaching for years but never knew what this feeling of tension was. In the past I had no idea what I was moving towards, truth be told I still don’t but at least now I am more sure of the fact that I am more in alignment with Spirit that I have ever been in my life.
In the recent past I made a request. And if you’ve been reading this blog then you’ll know that my requests are not in any way small. The first request I gave to God was right around my birthday last year in 2024, it was to feel the fullness of God’s love. I wanted no barriers, no blocks, not even me standing in the way of the love that the Creator has for me. Not too long after that my man proposed to me. The next request that I made was to Jesus asking him to help me love like he does. Then I had situations arise with adversarial people that gave me the opportunity to really love despite negativity that was coming my way. Then I recently made a request to receive the keys to the kingdom. I made this request with the understanding that I am most likely the key that I am looking for. But I wanted the help of Spirit, my ancestors and my higher self to help me mold myself into the key that I need to be so that I can open the door to my new timeline.
Since asking for the key to open the door the pressing has started. A weight on my chest that I would normally equate to anxiety now feels different since I’m assessing the weight with a different mindset than I was before. My mother gave me one of the best analogies to healing work that I have ever been given. She said to imagine that I am a glass cup that has been filled with dirty water. So dirty in fact that the water looks pitch black. Now I take that cup of dark water and I put it under a faucet of clean, running water and I let that cup sit. It will take some time but eventually all the dirt, sediment and “stuff” will begin to get kicked up and the clear water will push out all the dirt till the glass vessel is filled with only clear water. I actually did this one time so that the analogy could stick in my mind but also so that I could see just how long it would take for the water to turn clear. It took some time and there were even moments when I thought all the dirt was gone but there was still some remnants of dirt that needed to be pushed up and out. All that dirty water is being shook up, tousled and even pressed down before it could come up. Much like me in this moment.
The pressing and the key are all related to one thing that Spirit revealed to me not tool long ago. I am supposed to be the main character in my own story. For much of my life other people and my traumas have taken up the spotlight. I was the one that put them there. I cannot tell you how much time I have spent worrying, thinking, planning someone else’s life over mine. Or how many times I’ve carried the traumas of my past as some sort of life passport, thinking that those stories would grant me access to new adventures and help me to connect with new people. The sad truth is that I believed that all of that was me. As I mentioned in a previous post the question some years ago that stopped me dead in my tracks slowly made its way to the surface of my mind
“Who am I without all my traumas, my stories and my pain?”
I am the key as I stand in front of the door waiting to open it and walk through. I thought that I needed a key to enter but I know that I am the key. How I enter and cross the threshold into a new timeline is by putting myself in the spotlight, center stage, not lingering in the wings watching other characters take the lead. And can I be honest with y’all? I have no idea how to do that. I know that the moment I tell Spirit and my ancestors to help me with this matter (which I have already done) then they will swoop in and give me the tools to make that happen. And when I say tools I mean that they will put me in situations in my daily life where I will have no choice but to be the main character. I must accept the highs and the lows of being seen but also trust that Spirit has my back as it always has. I think the reason why I avoided being the main character of my life is the fear of being seen. Not only was I afraid of the criticism but I was also afraid of the adulation. Any time I got praise for something I down played it so much that I had turned it to mush. Being humble was something that I had embedded within myself after too many circumstances when praise had turned to envy and/or jealousy. The sting of someone else hating me for me simply being me was too much to bear so I hid.
But hiding never kept me safe. In fact it made me more of a target. Folks could sniff out my fear and then I would do this awkward dance back and forth of coming out of my shell and then quickly retreating. I don’t judge myself for doing this dance. Somewhere in my DNA the dance of hiding one’s light had been passed down. Not to mention my own experiences in this life. I believe that we are born to break lower vibrational historical patterns that have been repeating not only in our families but also in our previous lives. Even in this life, while I am breaking those old patterns I am sure that there are some new patterns that I have made. As much as I can, I am breaking those old patterns in this life, but my children and my children’s children will have an opportunity to break the ones that I have made. The goal, however, is for me to heal as much as I can, reach back to unearth the dirty water and clear out the rotten roots. This is a new phase and as much as I am afraid I am also deeply honored to be on this journey. Being center stage means that folks see my flaws, mistakes and faults. All of it is laid out bare for everyone to see. But being center stage also means that folks get to see me tend to, clean, mend and heal those wounds. So I get to be added to the tapestry of ancestors who threaded resiliency into the karmic quilt.